WEEK ?¿?¿-Starting over Rant (Just let me)

Today I will live my 11,666th day. I will begin it at the bottom.. once again.. Today I think of the minutes… the hours…the days and the weeks ..I rose and fell to bring me back to this moment in my life. I realize that it’s probably the thousandth time of picking myself up and putting myself back in the drivers seat…

I became a recluse and retreated back into the dark side of my mind.. (becoming Darth Panda) I gave into self pity, blame, and the familiar feeling of loneliness.. Found myself reaching out to a suicide hotline so I wouldn’t take my life.. gosh darn they do a tremendous job of listening and making people feel like a human being…

I have expressed many times in my blog how I am trying to rewire my brain to undo what was programmed in me when I was a little panda… gosh darn is it hard but someone told me hard isn’t the same thing as impossible…

The cement I chipped off resurfaced then I felt I was encased in a ball of cement on top of everything…But I realize it’s due to my self sabotaging behavior and lack of self acceptance.. I just want to express that here so I can get the ball rolling again.

Today I live my 11,666th day and I am going to my second meeting of codependents anonymous. This trait I know is really fucking up my life… I want awareness to be a strength and not feel like a severe abnormality in my self. So there is nothing wrong with gaining more tools to help me reach the enlightenment that I truly want in my heart..

The Master Key Experience is a great program that I was just going to store away in my tool box with the other things that didn’t work.. but you know what? It’s what I keep going back to.. I feel it is the Key 🔑 and I will eventually get it right! It is a key to freedom..and when I get it right I will join like minded people in Kauai! I have only belittled my goal of having peace of mind and happiness.. Today I’m kind to myself and allow myself to go down that path once again ..to what I want and to reach who I truly am..

Today I live my 11,666th day.

Thanks for reading

Pandagirl

Crystal Ann Magaña

WEEK 7- The Program Lingers

I had been installing the new program for more then 30 days… but the  computer in my mind stalled .. and it had been malfunctioning for the past two weeks to be honest and I slowly stopped reading and stopped sitting. I stopped going to bed early. I guess I had given in to the old blue print for a bit. BUT!!!  This past week I went to see  live music. I love live music! As I watched the bands set up…The stage setups were oddly geometric! I’m talking green triangle, red circle, blue retangle, and yellow square odd! I swear my mind lit up like a light…(they were literal lights lol) It made me laugh  and smile. I explained to my friend about the shapes and colors from the Master Keys…. his child like excitement brought out mine.  Then we pointed out every shape in the right color throughout the whole night! ……It really was a loving surprise. The universe likes to remind me a lot. I am truly amazed by my brain and I finally saw how the exercises have helped me fire and wire …I felt the association of shapes and colors with my Definite Major Purpose in life… it gave me hope. It revived me!

I am just at a crossroads really …and I know there will be many of them  along the way while walking into the unknown!

Anyways, the following day I turned on my laptop and made my recordings of my blue print builder… DMP…Greastest salesman…. Affirmations….giving and receiving card…the songs I read to were  “Austin Powers- Theme Song” because it always makes me giggle… The Four Seasons-Concerto No. 2 in G Minor, RV 315 “Summer” to stimulate my intellect so I tell myself lol… “Happy” by Pharrell because its one of those happy feely bubblegum songs… “The Nightmare Before Christmas opening instrumental/ This is Halloween instumental” because they are some one of my favorites and finally some upbeat Ukulele music because it soothes me.

I don’t want to make failure a habit! So here I go again ready for week 8 thanks for reading….

I pass this mural everyday on my way home from work…I finally stopped to take a pic with it.. because it brings me joy! Have a great week everybody!

Love,

Crystal Ann Magaña

Pandagirl 🐼🐼🐼

WEEK 6- Testing Patience

I am willing to release the need to be unworthy. I am worthy of the best in life and I lovingly allow myself to accept it…. this affirmation has been on my mind a lot this week and it has helped me persevere. I started this week a little late and almost considered giving up.. I am getting laid off at work and relationships around me seem to be falling apart left and right.. Aside from the mental distractions I also had an allergic reaction to something that caused my whole body to break out. This week was very trying to say the least lol BUT I honestly know everything happens for a reason….this is the life part people always talk about lol

I just got around to listening to the webinar yesterday and let me tell you …it got me right back on track. I took out my vision board from last year added to it and my DMP came to the forefront in my mind. I busted out my watch that I taped a compass to and remembered what time it was! Half past bliss! <<<< time

If you couldn’t tell I kinda wear my heart on my sleeve and people often notice… a stranger stopped me and said “you know what helps me ? …being in gratitude” and I remembered YES GRATITUDE… I don’t think that was a random message! But oh the kindness the world has shared with me this week reminded me to stay the course! A woman even came up to me and blessed me in Spanish and complimented my crocs ( I don’t even know how to speak Spanish) lol As I end this week I feel grateful. I had a friend who took me to an art festival just to see me smile! And there I saw my elementary Art teacher and it reminded me why I wanted to be an artist… even though she didn’t remember me .. my enthusiasm lit up her face because I was so excited to see her …that day it seemed like everything fell in my favor. I know things are going to be ok.. and I can say it and mean it! I did my Gal in the glass read…the first time I did it last year I bawled like a new born baby.. I have come such a long way … I know it’s a progression.. but I will get to where I need to be.. I can be so mean to myself sometimes. I hurt my feelings more then anyone and that’s the truth.. becoming friends with myself and recognizing and reflecting new things to myself is really changing my outlook on life.. I am truly grateful for this week. Also scroll two is my favorite scroll so just starting that this week was honestly very lovely…

“I will love the light for it shows me the way; yet I will love the darkness for it shows me the stars. I will welcome happiness for it enlarges my heart; yet I will endure sadness for it opens my soul. I will acknowledge rewards for they are my due; yet I will welcome obstacles for they are my challenge.”

“I will greet this day with love in my heart and I will succeed.”

Love,

Crystal Ann Magaña

Pandagirl🐼🐼🐼

WEEK 5- Breath of Light?

I went to a healing circle this past weekend on a whim. I had heard of them before but never been to one or knew what they were rooted in.  I suppose they are all different. This one was rooted in Native American Traditions. I still didn’t know what that meant! lol but it called to me. It was held in a beautiful art studio. I walked in ready  to learn…my hopes for support were high but I walked in with a mind full of opinions and assumptions of what it would be.   “Maybe this will be fun!” I told myself.. “sounds interesting..” these thoughts pulled me down a corridor to a room  filled with a circle of chairs about 20… “If I didn’t like it I would never have to go again…” I calmed myself… The circle of twenty random people all ages gave their intentions for this first meeting  and introduced themselves.  “Hi! my name is Panda! My intentions are for freedom and to give myself permission to be happy.” is what I stated. I gave a slight smirk.

(As I write this I want you to know that I am on day 31 of being completely faithful to the exercises.) I am very proud of myself.

The first person shared in the circle about holding resentment for her mother and so did the next with a similar situation. The lead  host did an exercise with them.. so simple. She placed a chair in front of them and told them to imagine the person they were in conflict with in the chair… and to express their grievances to that person aloud. (I thought “how trivial this is.. and that it wasn’t going to work)  She then handed them a wash cloth and simply asked them to make themselves aware of their body… they pinpointed where the stress had accumulated and she asked them to show her how it felt by twisting the towel.  One of the ladies twisted her towel so tight… almost into a knot. She  then told them to say aloud “This is what I am doing to my body.”  after they did that one lady stated her back pain went away …the other that the tension in her shoulders left her. I watched on very skeptical.

The lead host then asked who wants to go next? I looked around as everyone was too shy to share. I raised my hand eagerly with a big smile on my face. I really wanted to see if this circle thing was going to be a thing for me. I knew what I was about to share was going to be heavy.. it wasn’t about grievances with anyone else…it was about grievance with myself. So I put “myself” into the chair. I stared at this empty chair and I imagined myself.. but it wasn’t a real reflection.. it took the shape of a faint little black cloud.. it didn’t even fill the chair. It talked to me instead of the other way around … she asked me what did it say.. it basically told me to shut up I’m making a fool out of myself… it wanted me to  shut up. I wanted me to shut up. (Mainly because I felt like I didn’t know what I was talking about) My throat started to close and  I felt like I couldn’t breathe and she told me to breathe… the self hatred… and self pity came out and my body started to tense up mainly in my shoulders. She asked me how did I feel and big tears started to stream down my face. I couldn’t find the words for this agony. She gave me the towel and I ringed it pretty good and then  a tingling sensation started to go down my back. I had felt that feeling before it usually made my body more sensitive to touch and sound when that happens. But then something unexpected happend… she asked once again how does your body feel and just before I could say “tense” something shifted in me.

My chest became engulfed in a black hole. (Best way I could describe it) I told her “IT MOVED!” and she asked how that felt and I told her like a deep tunnel with air rushing through it. I was so intensely focused… a woman’s laugh on the other side of the room brought me back and just like that the tunnel was gone and the stress returned to my shoulders . I had never felt anything like that in my life! I told the lead. That’s where we stopped in order to get feedback from the group. My tears immediately dried and I put a smile on my face.. and I was genuinely eager to hear feedback from the others. Two people stated that they couldn’t breathe when I was sharing because they knew how I felt. At that moment I didn’t feel alone.

Feedback is not advice..its just what the other person experienced. I don’t know what I experienced that day and I still think I might have  made it up in my  head. But what was so profound was the light at the end of the tunnel and what felt like the breathe of life. (I literally thought my hair was blowing as the air was surging through that tunnel but it wasnt…) That experience gave me tension for the rest of the day. When it came time to do my readings just before bedtime …all tension was released. I felt so grateful… This occurred Sunday morning for me and I feel like it was a great way to start the week…In someway I experienced detachment from what I want to detachment from! The healing circle really reminds me to be the quiet observer and to keep good intentions.

I am in no way trying to influence you but to share my experiences and my google searches on what the hell happend. Lol So here was an article I found that was similar to what I experienced if you care to read it…this really is a journey for me as I am still finding myself… and making myself whole… Seems like one of my PPNs definitely changed to spiritual growth…

Thanks for reading!

INTERNAL BLACKHOLE?

 

Like Mark says

Peace be the journey!

Love,

Crystal Ann Magaña

 Pandagirl🐼🐼🐼

WEEK 4- Eliminating Fear

I was always a fearful child which led to me being a fearful adult. I walked on eggshells and coward away from social situations. Social situations brought out my awkwardness and inarticulate nature….it made people look at me with confusion.. puzzled by this performance I gave to be acceptable.

Judgment, abandonment and criticisms followed which I devoured like strawberry cake.. Natural body highs from the constant chemicals filled my being which also fed constant suffering thoughts like “when will this end..”  Constant stress led to conditions in my body and manifestations of traumatic situations…  I instilled self-pity and created personality traits that became my security blanket. I played the blame game.. one too many times… In retrospect I did it all with thought and immense feeling which solidified this casement of cement.

As I write this now it isn’t with a heavy heart like it used to be. I am able to see it from the outside and have compassion for the person I used to be. Eliminating fear truly sounds like Nirvana. I know we are all on our way and it makes me grateful. 😀 I don’t say these things to reiterate a sad story I used to tell… but to give hope that change is possible. I know not all of y’all are coming from the same place..we are all beautifully different. But my sense of humanity and compassion makes me want to say that you’re not alone and we are all one and there is an abundance of support here!

I have been taking steps to eliminating fear. At the beginning of the week I attended a music event for local artist Nina Diaz I was able to walk myself right over and talk to her (something I would never do) she was super sweet. I think we are best friends now loljk but I admire her because she’s raw and her music is gritty, she is also in the process of finding herself.. she expresses herself wonderfully through song. I am sharing one of her songs that  I am stuck on at the moment called “Down” we often are the ones pushing ourselves down and to that I say get up! 😀  There is also a line that says “I am afraid of myself” we are our biggest critics and it is important we get to know and love ourselves! Do things you have never done before and start creating new neuropathways! Also I would like to share my image of the yellow square I have been seeing everyday to serve as a reminder to DO IT NOW! It is  a patch of light I see every day in the parking garage from my perspective the buildings are cutting the sky into a yellow square just for pandaguuuurrrrllll  (I thought I’d never see a yellow square lol)

Nina Diaz “Down”

Thanks for reading!

 

I love and approve of myself.

Crystal Ann Magaña

Pandagirrrrl