Today I will live my 11,666th day. I will begin it at the bottom.. once again.. Today I think of the minutes… the hours…the days and the weeks ..I rose and fell to bring me back to this moment in my life. I realize that it’s probably the thousandth time of picking myself up and putting myself back in the drivers seat…
I became a recluse and retreated back into the dark side of my mind.. (becoming Darth Panda) I gave into self pity, blame, and the familiar feeling of loneliness.. Found myself reaching out to a suicide hotline so I wouldn’t take my life.. gosh darn they do a tremendous job of listening and making people feel like a human being…
I have expressed many times in my blog how I am trying to rewire my brain to undo what was programmed in me when I was a little panda… gosh darn is it hard but someone told me hard isn’t the same thing as impossible…
The cement I chipped off resurfaced then I felt I was encased in a ball of cement on top of everything…But I realize it’s due to my self sabotaging behavior and lack of self acceptance.. I just want to express that here so I can get the ball rolling again.
Today I live my 11,666th day and I am going to my second meeting of codependents anonymous. This trait I know is really fucking up my life… I want awareness to be a strength and not feel like a severe abnormality in my self. So there is nothing wrong with gaining more tools to help me reach the enlightenment that I truly want in my heart..
The Master Key Experience is a great program that I was just going to store away in my tool box with the other things that didn’t work.. but you know what? It’s what I keep going back to.. I feel it is the Key 🔑 and I will eventually get it right! It is a key to freedom..and when I get it right I will join like minded people in Kauai! I have only belittled my goal of having peace of mind and happiness.. Today I’m kind to myself and allow myself to go down that path once again ..to what I want and to reach who I truly am..
Today I live my 11,666th day.
Thanks for reading
Crystal Ann Magaña